While at Southern Wesleyan I made a several younger friends who were engaged. Upon graduation these young men, and women, were setting dates to for their weddings. I used to joke with the young men and women about their household duties, for example, who will take out the trash. Now most of these have been married for a year or so now. So I thought that I should try to give the guys some useful advice that will hopefully keep them out of trouble.
- When your wife asks you if you she looks overweight, do not say yes. Not even for a joke. You have seen these commercials on TV before; they are funny because it is real life. If she is pregnant don’t say anything like “I don’t care if you are getting bigger honey.” Even though you are telling her that with the intention of demonstrating your love for her it will still turn out bad. You must keep your wits about you at all times.
- If you and your wife are talking casually, and you are telling her a story about another female that you may work with, or know, be careful how you tell it. If the woman you are talking about is attractive, watch out! You might be in the middle of your story, when all of sudden, your wife will say, “She is pretty.” Here is where it will pay off for you to think through carefully before you answer. Do not say, “Yeah.” And then think you are going to finish your story. It will not matter whether or not you were agreeing simply to get to the end of your story. Your wife will be upset. I don’t care if the woman you referred to is Miss America, simply say, “She is okay.” Then point out a flaw in the person’s looks. This should take care of any hostility most of the time.
- Again, when you say that another woman is “Okay,” it is important to reassure your wife that she is definitely not your type. This is very important because you will know what trouble is if you don’t. May be roll your eyes a little bit too while wrinkling your nose. Sincerity will get you out of trouble as fast as you got into it.
- Beware, if your wife ever tells you it is okay to say that someone else is attractive. Do not fall for it! This is a trap. Listen to me, “It is never okay to say something like that.” This is when it is okay to disagree with your wife.
- When you go shopping with your wife and she is looking for clothes, do not lean on the clothing rack. This “right” is only reserved for people who have been married for at least 7 years. You must demonstrate that you are interested in the clothing that she is looking at. This might even be a good time to say, “Hey, honey!” “They are having a good sale today!” Enthusiasm is the key here.
- When your wife has two outfits picked out, and she says, “Which one do you like?” Here is an opportunity to gain brownie points. These are good to have in reserve if you mess up on the previous dos and don’ts. Do not say, “Either one is fine.” Even if you think that either one is fine. Instead, you must say something like, “Hold the other one up next to you.” Then say, “Now the other one.” Do this two or three times. If neither look good, do not say, “I don’t care,” thinking that this will hide your opinion. She will be savvy to that. You must look for another outfit for her. Otherwise, pick out the best of the two. And if you really want to get in good, say, “Hey, they are both on sale; get em both.”
- When you go out to eat at someones house, do not eat seconds. And by all means, on the way home, beware that your wife might ask you, “Did you like the meal?” This is a trap! You should calmly say, “It was okay.” Listen, this is important, and I don’t care if the meal was good enough to put the most expensive seafood restaurant to shame. Tell her that you only like the way that she makes that type of meal. Because the next thing she will ask you is if the person who prepared the meal can cook better than her. This is when a quick, “No way!” may get you out of this type of conversation.
I offer this advice freely to my old friends who may be embarking on learning these truths the hard way like most of us did. Listen guys, there is an old saying, “If mama ain’t happy, then ain’t nobody happy.” This is a true saying. Be watchful about what you say. Think through what you do, and how you reply. If you do this, then everything will go well for you. But if you ignore these examples, you are on your own. Remember, Monday Night Football is around the corner.
By the way, I had my wife check this to see if it is okay to post it. She said it was, but she said that it is a little goofy. She is probably right. See, I practice what I preach.